The Milieu of Life

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you like down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

My former pastor in Pennsylvania used to quote Jay Adams advice on teaching children about God.  He said it should be worked into “the milieu of life,” or everyday living.  That’s basically what Deuteronomy 11:19 says, “You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”

I know I do this imperfectly, but I certainly am trying.  Here are some of the rather humorous results of this process:

Last week at breakfast Karissa was looking earnestly into the face of her doll.  “Heidi,” she crooned, “do you know that God loves you even more than I love you?”

Today in the car we were talking about how “even mommy is a sinner and does bad things.”  She challenged me for examples.  (Among others) I told her sometimes I’m selfish and think I’m more important than other people.  How touching was her reply: “But you ARE more important!”

We also were discussing how heaven is better than earth.  (At the playground: “But how can it be nicer? This is nice!”)  I was trying to explain that there would be no sin, no bad people, no bugs, etc.  She wanted to know, “But will the big bad wolf be there?”

Book Time: 'Loving The Little Years'

 

On Sunday I read the book Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic.  I discovered it while reading her article Motherhood Is a Calling .  The book is short (94 pages of material) and is made up of short chapters (20 altogether).  So it doesn’t take long to read, and it doesn’t require intense concentration to understand.  Yet it is enjoyable.

Here is the author’s description of her book:

I didn't write this book because mothering little ones is easy for me. I wrote it because it isn't. I know that this is a hard job, because I am right here in the middle of it. I know you need encouragement because I do too.

This is not a tender reminiscence from someone who had children so long ago that she only remembers the sweet parts. At the time of writing this, I have three children in diapers, and I can recognize the sound of hundreds of toothpicks being dumped out in the hall.

This is a small collection of thoughts on mothering young children for when you are motivated, for when you are discouraged, for the times when discipline seems fruitless, and for when you are just plain old tired.

The opportunities for growth abound here but you have to be willing. You have to open your heart to the tumble. As you deal with your children, deal with yourself always and first. This is what it looks like, and feels like, to walk as a mother with God.

One of my favorite parts was her description of female emotions, comparing them to wild horses.  We, and our little girls, are the riders and we must learn to control them, though the emotions themselves are not the problem.  “The goal is not to cripple the horse, but equip the rider.”

Another chapter in the book dissected an “intense” scene of getting everyone ready for church and out the door on Sunday morning.  (Have you ever had one of those mornings?)  I appreciate the way she took everything apart, showed where the problems were, and also explained who was to get “the blame” and how to fix the problem in the future.

Another thought-provoking section dealt with “me time.”  This is such a theme among mother friends and in parenting magazines!  It was refreshing to have this contrasted with a Christian perspective.

Overall, this book strikes a nice balance between figuring out why problems happen in the first place, how to look for the root issue, and illustrations of how her family deals with some of the common troubles young children face.  So much of the problem is not what is happening as much as why.  I also appreciate her emphasis on having the mother in the right place spiritually as an ultimate priority.

I hope you read this book if you get a chance, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

The Stolen Book

The Scenario:

Recently my daughter was playing with some other children.  One of the girls took the book Karissa was reading out of her hand instead of choosing a different book from the large stack sitting nearby.  Karissa came to me and complained about this treatment (understandably).  The other girl’s mom was in the room, but didn’t see the situation happen. 

The Question:

What would YOU do?

My Answer at the Time:

I told Karissa to pick another book and let the other little girl have the book in question.

My Husband’s Gut Response:

Something like, “I don’t want my kid to be a push-over and get taken advantage of.  You can’t ignore justice in a situation.”

So . . . the pondering began.

First, being “nice” in public is something society, especially Christian society, encourages.  Was my response motivated by others watching me? But there’s also the idea of advocating for your child, letting them know you’re on their side.  Did I drop the ball?

What does the Bible have to say on the issue?  How about the biblical principle of “turning the other cheek”? “And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.”  Do these principles apply to play dates and sharing books between three-year-olds?  Can we apply, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”? 

And yet, taken to an extreme, we find ourselves giving up all our possessions—money, homes, cars—to anyone who asks us.  We find ourselves allowing others to trample us as humans and as individuals beloved by God.  Is this truly what God is asking us to do?  Is God telling us to do what reason screams is impossible? This response also denigrates the principle of justice.  An impartial judge would not have made such a ruling.

My next thought was to ask for advice.  I would ask all my friends and wise counselors what they thought I should do.  That would be great! People love to offer advice!  There must be a consensus I would like that we could reach together! 

Then I decided to figure out for myself what I thought before asking others for advice.  (And I am asking right now for your feedback.)  Here’s the position I personally decided to teach my children:

1.       Stand up for things that need to be defended.  These include things that pertain to Christ, that is, the issues he would be fighting for if he were in my place. (Oh, you mean he wouldn’t fight for the last piece of cheesecake in my fridge right now?)

2.      Stand up for people who need to be defended.  When others are being treated unjustly, and it is within my ability to offer aid, I should be ready and able to do so.

3.      Scrutinize closely the things I deem to be my “rights.”

4.      Communicate effectively so that my treasures are not squandered on the unappreciative.  (If it’s a special blanket to only one person, then the other person might easily be persuaded to accept an alternative one.)

If I truly love my child, I will teach her not to push for her own rights.  I will also teach her that I do love her and that as her mother I will protect her and value her.  Each situation will be different, but love and grace will be our guiding motivations. 

Of course, this is the goal; making it happen is the rest of my parenting years.  Figuring out what “protect” looks like, knowing what things make her feel valued, teaching her to deny herself even when it’s counterintuitive, discerning between things Christ would fight for and things that are more about me.  Yep, still working on those things in my own life.

Scenarios are always nuanced and each one requires discernment.  There a thousand qualifiers we could add to my opening story that would change the situation entirely.  I’m not really asking you to judge this particular scene but to think instead to the broader principles.  When would you choose to give up what’s yours?  To seek justice?  To defend?  What do you want your child to learn?

Life as a Moment

I attended a beautiful high school graduation party recently.  Another reminder that the lives of children slip away so quickly.  Karissa asks me longingly, “When will I be four?”  Things that take so long for children—two whole seasons of the year—seem so fleeting from my adulthood vantage point.

It reminds me of these verses:  “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Thinking of how for a child three whole days until daddy’s birthday seems an interminable wait helps me when I’m struggling with the here and now.  I watch my friends and family take on difficult, seemingly unending battles.  I want to fix things.  NOW.  But now is not forever.  These things are so . . . temporal.  Looking back, it will not even seem long.  God our Father looks down knowingly on His children as we chafe at the slowness of time.

When I was a kid and we were only allowed to have two cookies, we watched my dad eat three.  My mom said that when we grew up we could eat as many cookies as we want.  I’m in my 30s now, and do you know?  She was right!

Heaven will be much more precious to us than unlimited cookies, and my friends, it will be worth the wait.  Look forward, for there is a blessed hope and glorious appearing waiting for us.  After all, this life truly is “but for a moment.”